Allah Wants You to Have an Eternal Boner


I used to ponder what made Islam so much better than Christianity. While Christians are wondering “What would Jesus do?”, Muslims are pursuing the eternal boner, if we can believe the wonderful stories of Allah (and I see no reason to doubt them). In heaven, we can look forward to endlessly singing God’s praises to him, but in Paradise, Allah has a better plan.

In the 15th century, commentator al-Suyuti elaborated on what the Qur’an has promised for the Elected.

Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas.

Tasty vaginas? The following video continues with the things you have to look forward to.

Your houris will have white retinas [and maybe look like Little Orphan Annie?] and have skin so bright it causes confusion [I'm always confused anyway]. They are all the same age [... and that's the age of the Prophet's most beloved wife?], morally and physically beautiful. Each one of them is so beautiful that you can see the bone marrow through the delicate flesh on their legs [Allah be praised – what a turn-on].

The women of Paradise are pure, unblemished, menstruation-free, free of feces, urine, phlegm, and children. Moreover, Allah has cleaned them of all impure and foul things. [You sold me with that phlegm-free bit. I note that children are at the apex of impurity after phlegm, urine, and feces. He nailed it when he classified children as impure and foul inconveniences that we have to endure here on Earth.]

They (the women) will be restricted to their tents – locked up for the husband. [That's something women can really look forward to for the remainder of eternity.] You, on the other hand, will have the sexual prowess of the Prophet Muhammad (and you’ll never deflate). In this world men work hard and tire themselves out screwing, but in Paradise, you’ll have the strength of 100 men when it comes to sex. [Of course, with Allah being omniscient, in his all-pervasive wisdom he built Paradise for men, and women can be grateful for what's left over.]

(I stole the basic information from That Explains Everything About the 72 Virgins.)

Sign me up. I always fall for unproven and unprovable promises. Wait… It may not read quite that way in the Qur’an, but I saw a video of a guy who knows a guy who once read the Qur’an, and that’s what he says. That settles it. Everything here is 100% factual. You have my word on it.

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