The Worst Nightmare Ever

A few months ago, I wrote about the atheist’s nightmare, dreamed up by Ray Comfort of the Living Water Ministries. Realizing that threatening us with hell is futile since that’s just about as real as God, the even worse threat of going to heaven doesn’t hold water either. So he knew the only way to get us was to make us think of bananas. His twisted mind knew that we could never shake the image of a banana haunting our dreams.

Oh, there are things that frighten Christians (especially those in Oklahoma), like Allah or maybe Shiva. Even something as cuddly as Ganesha seems to upset them. Atheists have tried to make them tremble at the sight of Cthulhu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster with all His noodly appendages, but Christians just don’t realize the dire threats being posed.


Touched by His Noodly Appendage

Let’s face it. Atheists have been going the wrong direction. To get to a Christian, you have to show him God in all His magnificence. Only their God can give them nightmares as bad as thinking about a banana.

We can start with Anaconda, the movie. Although real anacondas don’t seem to surpass 25 feet and 350 pounds, in movies they easily reach 60 feet and God knows how many pounds. We also find out that they can leap across jungles in single bound by coiling up like a spring and bouncing to swallow their prey as they land. Beware the magical anaconda.

Although Christians seem somewhat less demanding about spiritual matters, I’m afraid most require absolute reality when it comes to the world (unless it has to do with creation), so we’d better move on. We could try the horror of swimming in a pool that someone else has peed in. In spite of signs like “We don’t swim in your toilet; don’t pee in our pool.” people blissfully ignore them the same as they do handicap parking signs. When water quality engineers test the pH of the water in a pool, the most dread result is when it comes back almost all ‘p’ and no ‘H’. We all know what happens then.

Almost All ‘p’ And No ‘H’

Yeah, that’s pretty bad, but let’s come back to that in a moment with the pool peeing revenge. Meanwhile, we need to explore James Cameron’s embarrassing debut in directing: Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. If I remember correctly, a mad scientist crossed super-piranhas with grunions and flying fish so that they can come up on land and fly. You can’t beat that, except that this particular hybrid suffers the same fate as vampires – they can’t stand daylight. That seems close enough to the supernatural that they ought to fear it, but Christians probably think it’s as cheesy as I do.

There are things that are a little more personal, however. Behold God’s marvelous creation, the bot fly larva, which burrows under your skin and helps itself to the wonderful food you have to offer it. It’s bad enough just looking at the hole it makes. God’s true magnificence, however, comes in seeing how marvelously it was created.


Could God one-up Himself over the bot fly? The might of our God knows no bounds. Nothing could be more breathtaking that the catfish known as candiru. It has other names, which we’ll get to in a minute. The candiru is a parasite of other fish. It is able to detect ammonia and urea, which come from a the gills of another fish. Once it tracks down the source, it latches onto the gills to drink the fish’s blood.

What better source of ammonia and urea is there than someone peeing in a pool (or more likely, the Orinoco river)? Candirus are also called toothpick fish because of their shape, and because of their deadly accuracy in spotting a urethra, they’re also called penis fish. They swim directly up the urethra, and their barbs don’t allow them to be flushed out, so they can have a leisurely feast of blood.

This is God’s revenge for people who pollute His rivers. Now if He’d just extend it to corporations, since the Supreme Court has also determined that they’re also people. The usual method of getting rid of these little suckers (the fish, not the Supreme Court) used to be penis amputation. Pleasant dreams.


4 responses to “The Worst Nightmare Ever

  1. I got a tick the other day walking my dogs. Gawd is mad at me, clearly!

  2. And so he probably should be. You’ve been most unpleasant toward His indisputable word.

  3. We also cannot forget that there is a punishment for not abiding by the older fundamental rules of the bible, such as eating pork. Those who disobey are confronted with the possibility of tapeworms and trichinella…

  4. There are so many of those prohibitions, but I am so often tempted to muzzle an ox when he treadeth out the corn (Deut. 25:4) or to yoke an ox with an ass so I can plow (Deut. 22:10). But I know He did it for my own good. I just don’t know what horror He’ll visit on me if I attempt those things. At least a candiru is immediate, even though I missed a mention of that in the Bible.

    Hope you’re behaving yourself. I’ve been sorely tempted with all the holiday pig products, even knowing that they don’t cheweth their cud.

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