Category Archives: Atheism

Mixed Metaphors

I don’t know what I’d do if I were a pastor.  If I had to wait until inspiration struck, I’d have a sermon ready about as often as I post to this blog.  Several things converged recently to lay this in my lap.

In a recent video, some guy was talking about attending Sunday school at a synagogue with the rabbi in attendance.  I immediately wondered when Liberal Judaism became so liberal.

If you were as educated as I was when I was a kid, you’d know that the Sabbath is Sunday and that the Jews were just another Christian sect.  Sigh.  Why couldn’t I have just remained in blissful ignorance so I could display it on a regular basis in my newspaper’s letters to the editor.

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It Makes Me Proud to be an Atheist

Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, has announced that his latest venture, Ark Encounter, is facing dire financial difficulties. With quick visit to the Creation Museum website, the first words you run into are “Prepare to Believe”. If you don’t mind swallowing a little bullshit, you too can believe.

The Ark Encounter was to be a replica of Noah’s ark, complete with dinosaurs, unicorns, and fire-breathing dragons, just as the Bible tells us. Actually, I had missed those 3 kinds of animals in Genesis, but that’s what makes Ken the expert on Genesis and the genius that he is.

Between now and Feb. 6, Ken has to sell $29,000,000 in unrated junk bonds, so if you have some spare change, won’t you send him a few million dollars? The state of Kentucky was so enthusiastic about this great idea, that during the recession, they plunked down several million dollars of the taxpayer’s own money for infrastructure and tax breaks.

Ken blames this mess on atheists (way to go, atheists) and the secular media. Specifically, “the trouble with Ark Encounter’s financing is due to the treachery of atheists and godless bloggers, who have sabotaged the giant dinosaur boat…”. Thanks for finally acknowledging me, Ken. But he goes further. He has been wrestling “against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” I do admit to being a ruler of the darkness of this age, but thanks for thinking that I am a spiritual host of wickedness and that I rule from heavenly places. I’ve tried to project that image for a long time now.

To read more, check out Ark Encounter Close to Failure.

The Worst Nightmare Ever

A few months ago, I wrote about the atheist’s nightmare, dreamed up by Ray Comfort of the Living Water Ministries. Realizing that threatening us with hell is futile since that’s just about as real as God, the even worse threat of going to heaven doesn’t hold water either. So he knew the only way to get us was to make us think of bananas. His twisted mind knew that we could never shake the image of a banana haunting our dreams.

Oh, there are things that frighten Christians (especially those in Oklahoma), like Allah or maybe Shiva. Even something as cuddly as Ganesha seems to upset them. Atheists have tried to make them tremble at the sight of Cthulhu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster with all His noodly appendages, but Christians just don’t realize the dire threats being posed.

Cthulhu

Touched by His Noodly Appendage

Let’s face it. Atheists have been going the wrong direction. To get to a Christian, you have to show him God in all His magnificence. Only their God can give them nightmares as bad as thinking about a banana.

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Greatest Invention of the 20th Century

Sorry about taking so long in getting back. I’ve been away from my PC more than I’ve been on it for the last few months, but I can’t let this inspiration slip away. Certainly the greatest discovery of the 20th century was the observation by Prosper-René Blondlot of N-rays in 1903. It’s somewhat like seeing or hearing God for your first time and the only people who believe you are other Christians. That was the fate of Blondlot – only other French physicists and spiritualists were able to detect N-rays, while physicits of other nationalities were either envious or had insufficient IQs and claimed to be unable to see the obvious.

Until very recently, I was convinced that the greatest invention of the 20th century (even greater than Kirlian photography in 1939) was the revelation in 1911 of Kilner Goggles. Since I am in agreement with such great minds as Paul Harvey (who listed Kilner Goggles as one of the 10 greatest inventions of the 20th century, along with television and penicilin), I was sure that I couldn’t be wrong on this one. The lenses in the goggles were Kilner Screens which allowed direct viewing of the human aura from which one can diagnose diseases without any other confusing tests being necessary. The Nobel prize committee must have been napping when he made this startling announcement.

Last month I was alerted by PZ Myers (Don’t waste your time with this survey) that the MRA (Men’s Rights Activists) have determined that there is only one objective measure for determining a woman’s worth. I would have guessed the acronym would be OOOM for only-one-objective-measure, but no, they had to confuse things. They call it SMV for Sexual Market Value, which immediately alerts you that it must be objective as well as measuring the only meaningful way of evaluating a woman’s worth. Those MRA folks sure are clever. Because we know that love should have nothing to do with sex, this method of calculating Sexual Market Value is how to find who you should impress when you exude your sexual charms.

For some reason PZ Myers doesn’t understand what a boon this is for manly men, and he dares criticize it repeatedly through several posts for being unscientific. I was devastated until I found what I now deem to be the greatest invention of the 20th century. It was created by none other than Max Factor, Sr., probably the world’s most renowned cosmetologist – probably better than Mary Kay (he’s male, after all). His invention was the Beauty Calibrator from 1934, and it has restored my faith in the scientific value of the SMV and the MRA movement. It’s something that every man should have and take with him when he goes bar-hopping. Every woman will want to try it on for the sake of science. If you want one (and there is only one), the last time it went on auction in 2009, it didn’t even make it to the $10,000 mark, so you may be in luck if you want to buy it.

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 I hope my readers agree with me about the value of this invention.

Ray Comfort Admits God is Evolution

Of course this is as much a lie as Ray Comfort’s lies, omissions, distortions, and incomplete excerpted interviews in his latest movie Evolution vs. God: Shaking the Foundations of Faith, which garnered a 2.5 rating out of 10 in the International Movie Database (IMDB), placing among the worst movies of all time.

In case you missed it in your home schooling, Ray Comfort is a fundamentalist evangelist who founded The Way of the Master ministry along with child actor Kirk Cameron and radio host Todd Friel. He also started Living Waters Publications, should you need to come to Christ and learn the Truth about evolution.

With all this claim to fame, you’d think that Comfort might be satisfied, but he has done something really frightening. He showed us the atheist’s nightmare: a banana. It’s left me sleepless at nights and makes me panic every time I think about it.

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God, Sitzpinkel, and the U.N.

I had written nearly a complete post on this subject when my computer crashed last fall, and I lost the work on all my posts in progress. There is little doubt that God was chastising me for being an atheist, and He fully expected His flock to fill the void. It didn’t come to pass, so here I go again on this important subject.

There is no doubt of God’s opinion about sitzpinkel – He despises it. Most Bible apologists simply don’t understand how God could have overlooked this offense to His holy creation in His 613 Laws, but the explanation is really pretty easy. He obviously originally had 614 Laws, and Moses just couldn’t understand what such a strange law was doing in the collection because in Biblical times, no one violated it, so he neglected to include it with the other 613. (On the other hand, the tenth commandment [Exodus 34:26Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk.] was necessary, because so many Biblical Jews were eating cheeseburgers. For those not familiar with God’s wishes, read Meat and Milk and Cheese and Whey.)

I can hear you now protesting that you don’t know what sitzpinkel is, when in fact, you know damned well but you won’t admit it even in your darkest nightmares. For those who are hopelessly clueless, watch the following exhortation.

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That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

I almost called this A Tale of Two Stories as there are two stories to celebrate. The first ended in 2001 with victory for Allah and his prophet, Muhammad (PBUH), while the second ended just this month with a complete victory for Capitalism, Objectivism, Ayn Rand, and probably Jesus Christ. I hope you’re as excited and as much a sucker for happy endings as I am.

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Percy Bysshe Shelley Rememberence

March 25 marks the two hundred second anniversary of the University of Oxford sending down, or according to one source, merely rusticating (translation: expelling, or merely suspending) Percy Bysshe Shelley and Thomas Jefferson Hogg for sending a tract to the heads of all colleges at Oxford entitled The Necessity of Atheism. They were shocked and appalled (as am I).

You can read the whole thing (1813 revision) at The Necessity of Atheism.

This post is for his cojones in publishing the tract and not because I enjoyed his poetry (a bit gushy for my tastes, in spite of his ability to turn a phrase) or the contents of the tract. As with all generalizations, there are exceptions, and Ozymandias is one of those.

Shelley turned the idea of atheism on its head. He rejected deism (the idea of a creator god with no other attributes) which is opposite of many who reject a meddling god or a god of supplication but can’t imagine creation without a god. On the other hand, he saw some outside influence that co-exists with the universe. He stated it this way: “There Is No God. This negation must be understood solely to affect a creative Deity. The hypothesis of a pervading Spirit co-eternal with the universe remains unshaken.”

This “Spirit” is often interpreted by modern authors as Shelley’s vision of the kind of pantheism espoused by Benedict Spinoza. One of several points of contentions I have is Shelley’s opinion that beliefs are involuntary. At least he used this idea to good effect, arguing that atheism shouldn’t be persecuted (something that the University of Oxford college heads disagreed with him about). Shelley continued to espouse unpopular ideas for the remainder of his life – he just never learned, and that’s what an Oxford education is all about.

My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

About Eating Babies

Great news! I just found out that atheists are no longer required to eat babies. American Atheists’ David Silverman didn’t explain whether it’s now just optional or whether it’s completely banned, but here’s David Silverman’s interview with Lucifer (a.k.a. Lucy) and Mr. Deity.

Existence of Angels Can No Longer be Denied

Mark Kirk, a Republican U.S. Senator from Illinois suffered a stroke that paralyzed the extremities on his left side about a year ago. It was part of God’s plan to educate America about the facts of near-death experiences.

First, there is no white light and no tunnel, so if you decide to fake your own near-death recollections, remember to leave this out. (You can, however claim that you sat in Jesus’s lap, since this has been well-verified, Heaven is for Real, by Baptist minister Todd Burpo about his son, Colton.)

Since the veracity of U.S. Senators and Congressmen is beyond question, what Kirk said next is of utmost importance.

What Illinois’ junior U.S. senator experienced was three angels standing at the foot of his bed.

“You want to come with us?” Kirk was asked.

“No,” he told them. “I’ll hold off.”

As often happens, he may have been misquoted, and his last sentence should have been “No, fuck off.”, but here’s the article, and you’ll have to decide for yourself: Mark Kirk Sees Angels.

Rambling on my Way Out

My return has taken much longer than I expected since I announced my sabbatical. Since then, one of my processors crashed, and I lost all of my blog backups and a whole series of drafts. It was a major loss, since I had been working on some posts that took several months to put together. One was an atheist hymnal that included well over 100 entries – everything from old favorites like Plastic Jesus to hard rock anthems. A couple were close to being ready to publish, including Sitzpinkel and God’s opinion, little-known facts about the Hamilton-Burr duel, and a piece about “clean” coal and “safe” nuclear power.

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A Wimpy God

God is omnipresent except in schools. That’s because the Supreme Court required all schools to be lined with lead so God couldn’t peek in.  If your God is so easily defeated by a body like the Supreme Court, it’s time to start looking for another more dependable God.

It’s similar to God’s omnipotence; He can’t defeat iron chariots (Judges 4:13-16).  Now we know two of God’s weaknesses (other that His logic and His righteousness and justice).

Before you accuse me of blasphemy, the blasphemy is right there on the T-shirt.

Marriage: Union of One White Man and One White Woman

Fortunately, at least one Mississippi church is enforcing DOMA:  Mississippi Church Refuses to Marry Wrong Kind of Couple. We shouldn’t allow marriages of people who are the wrong kind. It’s a good thing that the pastor found out that two of his parishioners were of the ‘wrong sort’ before he went through with the wedding. Now the Liberal Press is getting all bent out of shape because the church is finally enforcing policies that were taken for granted when I was a kid. Here’s what they are saying.

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God Particle Found to be Atheist

The media insistence on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle” came from Leon Lederman’s book The God Particle: If the Universe Is the Answer, What Is the Question?, and it has been annoying physicists ever since. One of those ironies of history is the Lederman wanted to call it the Goddamn Particle, but his publisher refused to allow the name, and the rest is history.

With CERN’s announcement this morning of the official discovery of “a particle consistent with the Higgs boson” on two different detectors with a confidence level of 4.9 sigma on the CMS detector and 5.0 sigma on the ATLAS detector, they have definitely found something. It is CP neutral, colorless (in a QCD sense), chargeless, and probably spin 0 as required for a Higgs boson. However there may also be other bosons with these characteristics, hence the caution.

It should be interesting to see if any “news” programs mention it tonight. On the only show in which I have heard anything so far, it was called the Higgs “bosun” which I’ll gladly accept if there’s anything of substance in the report.

On another front, I found an interesting quote:

Higgs is an atheist, and is displeased that the Higgs particle is nicknamed the “God particle”, because the term “might offend people who are religious”.

It actually combines two quotes, the first, from an unnamed physicist, and the second from Leon Lederman. I’ve been waiting for the “God Particle” to come out of the closet. It’s long overdue that the particle’s atheism should be announced. And now you know.

Creationist Mathematics

For those unfamiliar with his name, Hugh Ross is a creationist with a legitimate PhD in astronomy from the University of Toronto and an undergraduate degree in physics from the University of B.C. (take that, Canada; he’s not another crazy from the American bible belt). I thought it was about time to present his ruminations for my readers (both of you) to be educated in The Light of The Truth. He presents some mathematics that I have to admit I was completely ignorant of.

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What Would Make You Feel all Tingly Inside?

Is it the thought of someone trying in vain to pry the gun from your cold dead fingers? Would it be having “In God We Trust” on top of the slide just behind the front sight to guarantee you can’t miss? Would it be having a Mary Kay or Barbie pink pistol? How about a plastic gun where even the rod in the recoil spring assembly is plastic? …And the Bill of Rights carefully lettered on the sides of your gun with the words “freedom” and “liberty” engraved on the back of the gun just above the butt? Are you just about to have an orgasm? These no longer need to be just fantasies!

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How Marduk Inspired Area 51 and the Assassination of Princess Di

As you probably remember, Marduk divided the Anunnaki into the 300 who are in heaven and the 300 on earth. It is the Anunnaki who are responsible for everything weird that has occurred since then, and if we don’t act soon, they will destroy the earth on 12/21/2012. It is urgent that you understand the history of this shadowy group.

As you can see, the pope is in on this, so only atheists can be trusted with this information. We can’t let the Catholics know we’re onto them.

This Sign Says it All

Here’s an appropriate sign that I stole from Pharyngula.

Image

 

Silence of the Gods

I used to wonder why, if there is a God, does He allow terrible things to happen and then brag that His People did it. Why would a loving God order genocide and murder of homosexuals, adulterers, and non-virgin girls? That very question is answered in this episode of Mr. Deity at about the 1:10 minute mark in the video. God’s preferred means of communication is silence, so that we are dependent on His prophets (like Moses, Joshua, Paul, and Joseph Smith) to know what He wants and expects of us. Many people already knew about God’s method of direct communication with us, but they didn’t realize the consequences. If I had only known this years ago, I could feel the comfort of being a faithful member of His flock and never having to think for myself. If you should ever feel the urge to question obvious contradictions or injustices, remember: Questions are bad, and God is watching you without letting you know that you are under His scrutiny. Don’t think wrong thoughts.
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Prophecy of St. Nilus the Elder of Sinai

I became concerned when I read the End Time blog, and it quoted the prophecy of St. Nilus the Elder of Sinai, which is accurately dated at 430 A.D. in the fourth century.

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Taking Comfort in Psalms 23

This is one of those things that’s almost is part of being an American. My grandmother found Psalms 23 very comforting and was sure that I would as well. You know – “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures…”.

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A Poem about the Christian Thing to Do

Just within the last couple of months, I was reading an article about the two best-known images world-wide that anyone would recognize. Immediately, I thought of The Great Wall of China and maybe the Eiffel Tower. After rethinking for a minute, I was thinking that one of the things could be a little off-beat, or the guy wouldn’t have been writing the article… so maybe the Great Pyramid of Cheops and Machu Pichu.

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Evolution’s Faulty Premises

For my regular readers (if there are any), this is a parody of creationist arguments I’ve read recently. Apparently all of of them I’ve talked to are ignorant about the significance of human chromosome 2, so I’ve provided an argument for them to use against me. Have fun with it.

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The Homosexual Conspiracy and Black Atheism

It’s happened again. The monolithic atheist movement has been shattered by European customs. The Black Atheists of Atlanta have a show where they keep the public informed on black atheist issues. I’ve excerpted a little bit of their profoundly well contemplated ideas that appear to be refined from the upper echelons of Redneck Central.

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I Have Been Giving Islam a Short Shrift

Recently, I read Man in the Red Underpants, which is specifically aimed at converting atheists to Islam, although the arguments are so persuasive that it should have its effect on any reasoning person.

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A Close Brush with Finding a Reasonable Theist

My second most cherished stereotype is that there are no reasonable theists – anywhere – in the whole world. (First on my most cherished list concerns old men who wear dress hats.) I would wake up from nightmares panting and sweating, having dreamed I had accidentally found a reasonable theist after doing everything (closing my eyes and plugging my ears) to avoid them.

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The Million Dollar Question

[WARNING: Sensitive individuals may find content to be blasphemous.] I hate promoting hideous blogs, but I ran across this fundevangelistic site (http://www.dikayo.com/Dikayo/Blog-_English/Entries/2008/6/5_The_Million_Dollar_Question.html) and thought I could use an easy million dollars. To save you the embarrassment of going there, I’ll copy it here.

 

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Are Babies Really Edible?

As is well-known by every properly trained Christian child, atheists eat babies. This has been true throughout history, and is a distinguishing mark of atheism today, so before you take the leap into the sordid world of Atheism, you should ask yourself whether you’re really ready for the consequences. The following videos may aid in your decision.

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Pharyngula – Why Are You an Atheist?

About a month ago, I was reading an article in Pharyngula entitled “Why are you an atheist?“.  I was convinced that PZ Meyers must have read my freshly minted post (before I moved to WordPress) entitled FAQs, but no such luck.  The let-down came when I realized that he hadn’t mentioned type 4 atheism.

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Shock of God

I hadn’t intended to write any more because of the inactivity of the site, but a Youtube video sucked me in for another round.

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