Category Archives: Blasphemy

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

I almost called this A Tale of Two Stories as there are two stories to celebrate. The first ended in 2001 with victory for Allah and his prophet, Muhammad (PBUH), while the second ended just this month with a complete victory for Capitalism, Objectivism, Ayn Rand, and probably Jesus Christ. I hope you’re as excited and as much a sucker for happy endings as I am.

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About Eating Babies

Great news! I just found out that atheists are no longer required to eat babies. American Atheists’ David Silverman didn’t explain whether it’s now just optional or whether it’s completely banned, but here’s David Silverman’s interview with Lucifer (a.k.a. Lucy) and Mr. Deity.

Existence of Angels Can No Longer be Denied

Mark Kirk, a Republican U.S. Senator from Illinois suffered a stroke that paralyzed the extremities on his left side about a year ago. It was part of God’s plan to educate America about the facts of near-death experiences.

First, there is no white light and no tunnel, so if you decide to fake your own near-death recollections, remember to leave this out. (You can, however claim that you sat in Jesus’s lap, since this has been well-verified, Heaven is for Real, by Baptist minister Todd Burpo about his son, Colton.)

Since the veracity of U.S. Senators and Congressmen is beyond question, what Kirk said next is of utmost importance.

What Illinois’ junior U.S. senator experienced was three angels standing at the foot of his bed.

“You want to come with us?” Kirk was asked.

“No,” he told them. “I’ll hold off.”

As often happens, he may have been misquoted, and his last sentence should have been “No, fuck off.”, but here’s the article, and you’ll have to decide for yourself: Mark Kirk Sees Angels.

Christ has Died – Long Live God!

As many of you have probably already heard, Christ the Messiah died yesterday, leaving the Bride, the True Mother, to run His earthly church. As God told us, He would be reborn of man in the East, and the world knew Him as Sun Myung Moon. Praise be to the True Father. He will be sorely missed by his followers in the Unification Church – the Moonies. Let us pray. Our heads are bowed; our eyes are closed. No, no, I’m thinking of the Jimmy Swaggart prayer. Lift up your eyes (but only after making a joyful noise) unto the Lord, all ye lands…

Now to get on with remembering the dearly departed. He will be best remembered for creating the only sinless families since the Great Fall, when all of creation was plunged into sin by Adam’s helpmate. For all have sinned? Not any more, since the Second Coming of Christ eradicated it permanently from the families of His followers, recreating them perfect in His image and making them as gods. Hallelujah!

We must also remember Him not only for His great prophesies in the Divine Principles, but we must celebrate His great achievements in those prophesies. He resolved all tension between religion and science, making them completely compatible. This no easy undertaking, and many of the Unwashed are still unaware of this monumental breakthrough – Ken Ham and PZ Myers, for instance. Some have tried to dismiss or belittle this magnificent result by claiming that Maharishi Mahesh Yogi did it first, but history will clarify any confusion over this matter and the True Master.

He has also solved all economic woes that used to beset unwary nations, and now all nations prosper in His light. All racial and political tensions have been placated and exist no more, as evidenced in the United States by the merging of Republicans and Democrats into a single happy, harmonious party – one that will continue at the taxpayers’ expense and the public isn’t invited. Gay has been prayed away, and the transgender people have been cured of their affliction. Praise be to God. Sexual harassment has evaporated completely and at last we understand the wisdom of one man/one woman, except for Newt Gingrich, who thinks one man/many women is okay if you do it serially or don’t let your current wife know what you’ve got on the side. Universal education and its environment have also been perfected, thanks in no small part to our Messiah.

His crowning glory is His overcoming all God-denying ideologies such as Communism. With North and South Korea making love overtures, they will soon merge with Kim Jong-un as supreme president-for-life to be followed by his dynasty and a population living in ecstasy ever after. (I left out the Once-upon-a-time, but you can fill in what I glossed over.)

He has, indeed united us all, and we are the children of our True Parents, and I suspect that when the Bride joins the True Father, that the True Children will take control of the Church to rule over a sinless world. Allahu Akbar.  Amen.

A Wimpy God

God is omnipresent except in schools. That’s because the Supreme Court required all schools to be lined with lead so God couldn’t peek in.  If your God is so easily defeated by a body like the Supreme Court, it’s time to start looking for another more dependable God.

It’s similar to God’s omnipotence; He can’t defeat iron chariots (Judges 4:13-16).  Now we know two of God’s weaknesses (other that His logic and His righteousness and justice).

Before you accuse me of blasphemy, the blasphemy is right there on the T-shirt.

Silence of the Gods

I used to wonder why, if there is a God, does He allow terrible things to happen and then brag that His People did it. Why would a loving God order genocide and murder of homosexuals, adulterers, and non-virgin girls? That very question is answered in this episode of Mr. Deity at about the 1:10 minute mark in the video. God’s preferred means of communication is silence, so that we are dependent on His prophets (like Moses, Joshua, Paul, and Joseph Smith) to know what He wants and expects of us. Many people already knew about God’s method of direct communication with us, but they didn’t realize the consequences. If I had only known this years ago, I could feel the comfort of being a faithful member of His flock and never having to think for myself. If you should ever feel the urge to question obvious contradictions or injustices, remember: Questions are bad, and God is watching you without letting you know that you are under His scrutiny. Don’t think wrong thoughts.
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I Feel Insulted!

Supposedly riots have begun in Pakistan over a photo of Veena Malik on the cover of FHM magazine. It is an “insult to Islam” and it “brings shame to Pakistan“.

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Allah Wants You to Have an Eternal Boner

I used to ponder what made Islam so much better than Christianity. While Christians are wondering “What would Jesus do?”, Muslims are pursuing the eternal boner, if we can believe the wonderful stories of Allah (and I see no reason to doubt them). In heaven, we can look forward to endlessly singing God’s praises to him, but in Paradise, Allah has a better plan.

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The Million Dollar Question

[WARNING: Sensitive individuals may find content to be blasphemous.] I hate promoting hideous blogs, but I ran across this fundevangelistic site (http://www.dikayo.com/Dikayo/Blog-_English/Entries/2008/6/5_The_Million_Dollar_Question.html) and thought I could use an easy million dollars. To save you the embarrassment of going there, I’ll copy it here.

 

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