Category Archives: Breaking News

Magnetic Monopoles Emulated

Yesterday there was a news item about the creation of a magnetic monopole. Although the news accounts are far above average for the usual explanations of a scientific breakthrough, most still leave a lot to be desired. For instance not all of them distinguish between the elementary particle and the quasiparticle that was what was created here. The best new account that I could find was written by a reporter for nature magazine at Quantum cloud simulates magnetic monopole, which sums up the work remarkably well. If you would like a slightly more in-depth account, keep reading.

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It Makes Me Proud to be an Atheist

Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, has announced that his latest venture, Ark Encounter, is facing dire financial difficulties. With quick visit to the Creation Museum website, the first words you run into are “Prepare to Believe”. If you don’t mind swallowing a little bullshit, you too can believe.

The Ark Encounter was to be a replica of Noah’s ark, complete with dinosaurs, unicorns, and fire-breathing dragons, just as the Bible tells us. Actually, I had missed those 3 kinds of animals in Genesis, but that’s what makes Ken the expert on Genesis and the genius that he is.

Between now and Feb. 6, Ken has to sell $29,000,000 in unrated junk bonds, so if you have some spare change, won’t you send him a few million dollars? The state of Kentucky was so enthusiastic about this great idea, that during the recession, they plunked down several million dollars of the taxpayer’s own money for infrastructure and tax breaks.

Ken blames this mess on atheists (way to go, atheists) and the secular media. Specifically, “the trouble with Ark Encounter’s financing is due to the treachery of atheists and godless bloggers, who have sabotaged the giant dinosaur boat…”. Thanks for finally acknowledging me, Ken. But he goes further. He has been wrestling “against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” I do admit to being a ruler of the darkness of this age, but thanks for thinking that I am a spiritual host of wickedness and that I rule from heavenly places. I’ve tried to project that image for a long time now.

To read more, check out Ark Encounter Close to Failure.

The Queen’s Mercy Pardon

You may already be aware Queen Elizabeth out of the goodness of her heart issued a “mercy pardon” for Alan Turing almost 60 years after he committed suicide when the British courts had him neutered for the heinous crime of being a grossly indecent homosexual. (Isn’t homosexuality always grossly indecent in Britain?) At least she didn’t wait as long as the Vatican did to pardon Galileo for the crime of being right while the pope thought he was being ridiculed. Had she issued the pardon within two years after ascending the throne the suicide could have been prevented, but gays didn’t need mercy in those good old days.

To put this into perspective, Turing led a pretty useless life. He not only broke Germany’s enigma code, shortening WW II considerably, he helped design the machines that automated the code-breaking process when no key was available. He was a mathematician, logician, and is best known for modeling a general-purpose computer which still bears his name. He formalized the concepts of algorithms, computability, Turing reduction, Turing completeness, and Turing degree as well as being the father of computer science and artificial intelligence. He worked in two different laboratories developing early variations on the first stored-program computers. He wrote a paper on what later became known as the Belousov–Zhabotinsky reactions, which were only discovered 8 years after his death.

There is little question that he lived a wasted life, and the queen, her empire, and the world could just as well done without him. Now the U.S. can start working on pardons for the Salem witches. If we get through that in the next century, we can retroactively save their lives. I can only thank God that the queen found the mercy in her heart, but only after the House of Lords had already passed a bill for statutory pardon on Oct. 30 of this year.

Greatest Invention of the 20th Century

Sorry about taking so long in getting back. I’ve been away from my PC more than I’ve been on it for the last few months, but I can’t let this inspiration slip away. Certainly the greatest discovery of the 20th century was the observation by Prosper-René Blondlot of N-rays in 1903. It’s somewhat like seeing or hearing God for your first time and the only people who believe you are other Christians. That was the fate of Blondlot – only other French physicists and spiritualists were able to detect N-rays, while physicits of other nationalities were either envious or had insufficient IQs and claimed to be unable to see the obvious.

Until very recently, I was convinced that the greatest invention of the 20th century (even greater than Kirlian photography in 1939) was the revelation in 1911 of Kilner Goggles. Since I am in agreement with such great minds as Paul Harvey (who listed Kilner Goggles as one of the 10 greatest inventions of the 20th century, along with television and penicilin), I was sure that I couldn’t be wrong on this one. The lenses in the goggles were Kilner Screens which allowed direct viewing of the human aura from which one can diagnose diseases without any other confusing tests being necessary. The Nobel prize committee must have been napping when he made this startling announcement.

Last month I was alerted by PZ Myers (Don’t waste your time with this survey) that the MRA (Men’s Rights Activists) have determined that there is only one objective measure for determining a woman’s worth. I would have guessed the acronym would be OOOM for only-one-objective-measure, but no, they had to confuse things. They call it SMV for Sexual Market Value, which immediately alerts you that it must be objective as well as measuring the only meaningful way of evaluating a woman’s worth. Those MRA folks sure are clever. Because we know that love should have nothing to do with sex, this method of calculating Sexual Market Value is how to find who you should impress when you exude your sexual charms.

For some reason PZ Myers doesn’t understand what a boon this is for manly men, and he dares criticize it repeatedly through several posts for being unscientific. I was devastated until I found what I now deem to be the greatest invention of the 20th century. It was created by none other than Max Factor, Sr., probably the world’s most renowned cosmetologist – probably better than Mary Kay (he’s male, after all). His invention was the Beauty Calibrator from 1934, and it has restored my faith in the scientific value of the SMV and the MRA movement. It’s something that every man should have and take with him when he goes bar-hopping. Every woman will want to try it on for the sake of science. If you want one (and there is only one), the last time it went on auction in 2009, it didn’t even make it to the $10,000 mark, so you may be in luck if you want to buy it.

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 I hope my readers agree with me about the value of this invention.

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

I almost called this A Tale of Two Stories as there are two stories to celebrate. The first ended in 2001 with victory for Allah and his prophet, Muhammad (PBUH), while the second ended just this month with a complete victory for Capitalism, Objectivism, Ayn Rand, and probably Jesus Christ. I hope you’re as excited and as much a sucker for happy endings as I am.

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Thank You God – Tim Minchin

Tim came out with a new song today. In it, he recognizes his mistaken lack of belief in a God when a fan describes for him a genuine miracle. Tim immediately had to swallow his pride, and he rejoiced in the Truth by writing a hymn of contagious joy praising God. Now I, too, have realized the error of my ways and I feel compelled to share Tim’s witnessing with you. Consider this my testimonial too.

Secret Feminazi Shrink Ray

I found out something recently that I’ve long suspected – feminazis have been focusing their shrink ray on Rush Limbaugh’s penis for the last 50 years. Being the virile guy he is, they’ve only managed to reduce it 10%. It took scientists in Italy to discover it, and they tried to divert attention from the feminazis, but Rush has set them straight. Watch the enclosed video where Rush corrects them.

The Cause of Limbaugh’s Penis Shrinkage

There is some question whether sluts are in on this conspiracy since Limbaugh revealed that people who use birth control pills are sluts. As he explained it, after every time they have sex, they pop another birth control pill, and since law students have sex so frequently, the cost of birth control pills wrecks their budgets. (By the way, Limbaugh sincerely apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a slut and immediately explained again why she was a slut.)

Rush Limbaugh and Sluts

And why should we be so wary of women who use birth control pills? They kill babies and cause them to become embedded in their wombs. Hundreds and thousands of tiny dead babies get embedded in the wombs of birth control users! I’m not sure that conception is even necessary, since it is a known fact that birth control pills turn eggs into tiny babies before killing them.

Embedding Tiny Dead Babies in your Womb

I hope that you feel much more informed now. This message has been brought to you by the Republican party. Remember to vote Republican.

About Eating Babies

Great news! I just found out that atheists are no longer required to eat babies. American Atheists’ David Silverman didn’t explain whether it’s now just optional or whether it’s completely banned, but here’s David Silverman’s interview with Lucifer (a.k.a. Lucy) and Mr. Deity.

Existence of Angels Can No Longer be Denied

Mark Kirk, a Republican U.S. Senator from Illinois suffered a stroke that paralyzed the extremities on his left side about a year ago. It was part of God’s plan to educate America about the facts of near-death experiences.

First, there is no white light and no tunnel, so if you decide to fake your own near-death recollections, remember to leave this out. (You can, however claim that you sat in Jesus’s lap, since this has been well-verified, Heaven is for Real, by Baptist minister Todd Burpo about his son, Colton.)

Since the veracity of U.S. Senators and Congressmen is beyond question, what Kirk said next is of utmost importance.

What Illinois’ junior U.S. senator experienced was three angels standing at the foot of his bed.

“You want to come with us?” Kirk was asked.

“No,” he told them. “I’ll hold off.”

As often happens, he may have been misquoted, and his last sentence should have been “No, fuck off.”, but here’s the article, and you’ll have to decide for yourself: Mark Kirk Sees Angels.

Extended Sabbatical

Just a quick note. I’ll be away from my PC for at least a month, but I’ll try to keep up with what’s going on. I was going to make this a little more interesting, but I haven’t even had time for that. Hope to see you when I get back.

Christ has Died – Long Live God!

As many of you have probably already heard, Christ the Messiah died yesterday, leaving the Bride, the True Mother, to run His earthly church. As God told us, He would be reborn of man in the East, and the world knew Him as Sun Myung Moon. Praise be to the True Father. He will be sorely missed by his followers in the Unification Church – the Moonies. Let us pray. Our heads are bowed; our eyes are closed. No, no, I’m thinking of the Jimmy Swaggart prayer. Lift up your eyes (but only after making a joyful noise) unto the Lord, all ye lands…

Now to get on with remembering the dearly departed. He will be best remembered for creating the only sinless families since the Great Fall, when all of creation was plunged into sin by Adam’s helpmate. For all have sinned? Not any more, since the Second Coming of Christ eradicated it permanently from the families of His followers, recreating them perfect in His image and making them as gods. Hallelujah!

We must also remember Him not only for His great prophesies in the Divine Principles, but we must celebrate His great achievements in those prophesies. He resolved all tension between religion and science, making them completely compatible. This no easy undertaking, and many of the Unwashed are still unaware of this monumental breakthrough – Ken Ham and PZ Myers, for instance. Some have tried to dismiss or belittle this magnificent result by claiming that Maharishi Mahesh Yogi did it first, but history will clarify any confusion over this matter and the True Master.

He has also solved all economic woes that used to beset unwary nations, and now all nations prosper in His light. All racial and political tensions have been placated and exist no more, as evidenced in the United States by the merging of Republicans and Democrats into a single happy, harmonious party – one that will continue at the taxpayers’ expense and the public isn’t invited. Gay has been prayed away, and the transgender people have been cured of their affliction. Praise be to God. Sexual harassment has evaporated completely and at last we understand the wisdom of one man/one woman, except for Newt Gingrich, who thinks one man/many women is okay if you do it serially or don’t let your current wife know what you’ve got on the side. Universal education and its environment have also been perfected, thanks in no small part to our Messiah.

His crowning glory is His overcoming all God-denying ideologies such as Communism. With North and South Korea making love overtures, they will soon merge with Kim Jong-un as supreme president-for-life to be followed by his dynasty and a population living in ecstasy ever after. (I left out the Once-upon-a-time, but you can fill in what I glossed over.)

He has, indeed united us all, and we are the children of our True Parents, and I suspect that when the Bride joins the True Father, that the True Children will take control of the Church to rule over a sinless world. Allahu Akbar.  Amen.

President Obama Will Cancel the 2012 Presidential Elections!

Living in Tennessee, we have a long way to go to catch up with Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Kentucky, Oklahoma, and Texas, but we’re making giant strides. In breaking news, a Tennessee congressman has spilled the beans about Obama’s conspiracy to disrupt our presidential elections this November. It’s veracity is beyond reproach because it comes from a Tennessee elected official – maybe not Low Tax Looper (yes that’s his real name), but from Kelly Keisling, the birdbrain from Byrdstown.

We have it on the best authority that Obama will fake his own assassination, which will be blamed on white supremacists to enrage the black and Hispanic communities into rioting. We know this to be true, not only because of Keisling’s innate integrity, but also because it has been cross-checked with the ever-unimpeachable Anonymous Source, who is the most reliable informant who “is in the upper echelon of the Department of Homeland Security”, which is “effectively under the control of Barack Hussein Obama.”

I know that you must be at least as surprised as I am, and probably even more so to think that you heard it first from Tennessee. It instills a certain sense of pride in me. Oh yes; my source: Obama Assassination Attempt Conpiracy.

Marriage: Union of One White Man and One White Woman

Fortunately, at least one Mississippi church is enforcing DOMA:  Mississippi Church Refuses to Marry Wrong Kind of Couple. We shouldn’t allow marriages of people who are the wrong kind. It’s a good thing that the pastor found out that two of his parishioners were of the ‘wrong sort’ before he went through with the wedding. Now the Liberal Press is getting all bent out of shape because the church is finally enforcing policies that were taken for granted when I was a kid. Here’s what they are saying.

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God Particle Found to be Atheist

The media insistence on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle” came from Leon Lederman’s book The God Particle: If the Universe Is the Answer, What Is the Question?, and it has been annoying physicists ever since. One of those ironies of history is the Lederman wanted to call it the Goddamn Particle, but his publisher refused to allow the name, and the rest is history.

With CERN’s announcement this morning of the official discovery of “a particle consistent with the Higgs boson” on two different detectors with a confidence level of 4.9 sigma on the CMS detector and 5.0 sigma on the ATLAS detector, they have definitely found something. It is CP neutral, colorless (in a QCD sense), chargeless, and probably spin 0 as required for a Higgs boson. However there may also be other bosons with these characteristics, hence the caution.

It should be interesting to see if any “news” programs mention it tonight. On the only show in which I have heard anything so far, it was called the Higgs “bosun” which I’ll gladly accept if there’s anything of substance in the report.

On another front, I found an interesting quote:

Higgs is an atheist, and is displeased that the Higgs particle is nicknamed the “God particle”, because the term “might offend people who are religious”.

It actually combines two quotes, the first, from an unnamed physicist, and the second from Leon Lederman. I’ve been waiting for the “God Particle” to come out of the closet. It’s long overdue that the particle’s atheism should be announced. And now you know.

Koran Kountry

As you may remember, Kentucky’s Gov. Beshear’s donation of state money to Ken Ham’s Ark Encounter, which proposes to build a full-size replica of Noah’s Ark, complete with dinosaurs and unicorns as described in the bible. He has spent $7,000,000 on state-provided infrastructure for the ark, and will spend another $43.000.000 on rebates to Uncle Ken.

Hamza Tzortzis is one of my favorite people, whom I’ve mentioned elsewhere. He runs a university to teach students the Truth about science and how the Prophet has already provided them with most of what they need to know. He taught me all about embryology: embryology in the Qur’an. and he trained me in how to make my Da’wah presentation to atheists: how to make dawah to atheists.
However, he’s not the only Hamza to peddle influence. Kenwal Hamza makes better business deals with Gov. Beshear than Ken Ham: sacred playgrounds.

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Another Clever Christian Idea

And how do we prevent little Johnny from turning queer? We learn that from goodly pastor Sean Harris at Godly Pastor Harris. And here’s his video.

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And the saga continues…

Exploding Ichthyosaurs

If you follow Yahoo’s coverage of scientific news as I do, you’ve probably read that ichthyosaurs don’t really explode when they die (Mother Ichthyosaur Didn’t Explode) — yawn. Yahoo often carries shocking news like this, and they never give a clue where they got their story, what species they’re talking about, or display a pictures related to the story. Well, I’ve fixed that. The species is Xenotherus Icthycanthus, and here is a video showing several views of that mother that didn’t explode.

What Do You Do with Priests Who Rape Kids?

That’s easy. You castrate the boys who complain about priests who indulge themselves. From testimony conveniently not included in the Deetman Report, the Roman Catholic Church chopped off more than just their balls. There are several articles in the news, but this one should suffice: Dutch Roman Catholic Church castrated at least 10 boys.

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Student Forced to Confront Perverts at Ocuppy Wall Street

This is the sad story of NYU student Sara Ackerman’s being forced to interview the criminals, drug addicts, mentally ill, and general scum of the earth at Occupy Wall Street: Horror story of woman forced to interview occupants of Occupy Wall Street. It’s not pretty, so you may want to stop here. This is the story about the story.

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It Must be True! It’s on the Internet.

In 1979, the unthinkable happened. The U.S. Patent Office issued a patent (#4,151,431) for a perpetual motion machine to inventor Howard Johnson.

Somehow, this is actually three patents. As this blurb comments, this had never happened before in the history of the patent office (at least not in the last 100 years).

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Gee. Let’s Kill Some More Kids.

Most of us are familiar with the anti-vaxxers, especially Jenny McCarthy and her tag-along ex-boyfriend, Jim Carrey. The movement to infect each other’s kids and to share disease-carrying lollipops is also well-known.

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I Feel Insulted!

Supposedly riots have begun in Pakistan over a photo of Veena Malik on the cover of FHM magazine. It is an “insult to Islam” and it “brings shame to Pakistan“.

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Sad News About a Classic Movie

The holding company for the comedy Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed starring Ben Stein imitating a crocoduck has gone bankrupt, and they’re selling all rights to the movie (with the exception of a few contractual obligations) in an online auction. The movie will be remembered for the classy treatment of the people interviewed in the film (PZ Meyers Expelled).

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Fresh Today, Stale Tomorrow

Well, it’s official now, folks. It was first reported today on CNN by Wolf Blitzer and repeated on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Osama Bin Laden currently resides in Hell. 61% of Americans say so, meaning the point can’t be argued.

The reports aren’t in yet from Al Jazeera, but it’s speculated by many that he’s in the company of 72 virgins.

The Planned Parenthood Abortion Telemarketing Scheme

Coral Ridge Ministries (founded by James Kennedy) wants us to know the TRUTH about Planned Parenthood, and that Jon Kyl really wasn’t lying about 90% of their business being abortions.  Planned Parenthood telemarketers are so convincing that they’re able to sell abortions to anyone – even to the most resistant evangelical fundamentalists.  The telemarketers get $25 per abortion and they become millionaires; all they have to do is sell 40,000 abortions a year (about 175 sales per normal working day) – apparently an easy task because they create so much demand.

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Jesus’s Crucifixion Nails Have Been Discovered!

Good news! This is better than finding pieces of the True Cross. Simcha Jacobovici (The Naked Archeologist) has found the two nails used to crucify Jesus. (Apparently Jesus miraculously created the third nail for the Romans when they found themselves short one nail.)

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