You probably remember Carter’s Little Liver Pills (not really made from little livers), Hadacol (with a popular 12% preservative and was often sold in shot glasses), Triple S Tonic (SSS, yes, yes, yes), 666 Cold Preparation (As Seen on I-10 in eastern Florida, and it tastes like hell), Dragon’s Blood Tonic (antidiabetic, anticancer, antiaging preparation that may work by purifying your blood), green isopropyl alcohol (you know it’s safe because it’s green) and 7 River Indian Medicine (spray it in the form of 3 crosses, and it will cure your maladies and protect you against hexes).
I know that this is a little hard to believe, but there was a natural product that was better than all of these combined. It was Seasilver Supplement, and it cured 650 diseases and probably worked for ingrown toenails too. I am here to testify to the miraculous benefits of this product and to spread the word. This is even better than the plutonium washer that you add to each load of laundry to make your clothes come out cleaner and fresher than any detergent (it was guaranteed to work for at least 20 years and it is powered by the same ingredient that gives bombs all their energy).
Add me to Seasilver’s list of testimonials for the efficacy of their product. It’s at least as effective as the best homeopathic remedies. I’m only surprised that King Charles hasn’t given his testimony.
Unaccountably, FTC sued them for 120 million dollars for false advertizing. It cured AIDS, cancer, bad vision, and bad breath. Even though FTC never proved that it didn’t cure these conditions, they won their suit and Seasilver went out of business. Fortunately, the good folks from Seasilver were able to bring back a product nearly as beneficial called Liquid Sea Minerals with Silver, whose name is so different from Seasiver that many people (including the FTC) probably wouldn’t make the connection. It’s cheap at twice the price, but it costs less than $50 a bottle.
Before the name change, Seasilver avoided poisons like lead and arsenic and contained elements that are missing in many supplements. It included your MDR of essential ingredients like uranium, plutonium, radium, and polonium, as well as blood purifiers like cadmium, cobalt, berylium, thallium, selenium, mercury, chromium, and osmium (the non-poisonous varieties of course). Unfortunately, some of these ingredients are no longer available, but they made up for it by adding spirulina.
I’ve copied some information from its labeling for your edification.
Important information
Safety Information
Shake well. Refrigerate after opening for freshness.
Ingredients
Minerals: Bromide, Silicon, Calcium, Nitrogen, Selenium, Phosphorus, Iodine, Chromium, Manganese, Titanium, Rubidium, Cobalt, Copper, Antimony, Molybdenum, Strontium, Zinc, Nickel, Tungsten, Scandium, Tin, Lanthanum, Yttrium, Silver, Gallium, Zirconium, Vanadium, Beryllium, Carbonate, Tellurium, Bismuth, Hafnium, Terbium, Europium, Gadolinium, Samarium, Cerium, Cesium, Gold, Dysprosium, Holmium, Lutetium, Erbium, Ytterbium, Neodymium, Praseodymium, Niobium, Tantalum, Thorium, Thallium, Rhenium, Plus the Other Elements Found In Sea Water. Plus: Macro Minerals, Enzymes, Co-enzymes, and Amino Acids All Naturally Occurring In Trace Amounts. Additional Ingredients: Purified Water, Cranberry Concentrate, Blueberry Concentrate, Concentrace Trace Minerals, Sea Water, Herb and Sea Vegetable Blend (Bladderwrack, Spirulina, Irish Moss, Kelp, Pau D’arco), Sea Cucumber, Natural Flavor Blend, Citric Acid, Sodium Benzoate and Potassium Sorbate For Freshness.
Directions
Take one ounce per day with food.
Legal Disclaimer
These statements have not yet been evaluated by the United States Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
Statements regarding dietary supplements have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or health condition.
The Infrequent Atheist 